My Blog

From Mags to Mags, by way of U2

"I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass"

I Google You -- Neil Gaiman

I Google you
late at night when I don’t know what to do
I find photos
you’ve forgotten
you were in
put up by your friends
I Google you
when the day is done and everything is through
I read your journal
that you kept
that month in France
I’ve watched you dance
And I’m pleased your name is practically unique
it’s only you and
a would-be PhD in Chesapeake
who writes papers on
the structure of the sun
I’ve read each one
I know that I
should let you fade
but there’s that box
and there’s your name
somehow it never makes the pain
grow less or fade or disappear
I think that I should save my soul and
I should crawl back in my hole
But it’s too easy just to fold
and type your name again
I fear
I google you
Whenever I’m alone and feeling blue
And each scrap of information
That I gather
says you’ve got somebody new
And it really shouldn’t matter
ought to blow up my computer
but instead….
I google you

Spam, you like? 2

So, another spam subject matter goes "Paris Hilton evades prison in last minute deal. Gov. Schwarzenegger resigns in protest."

Pramis?

Now, why can't spam have more relevant subject matters (to the Philippines anyway) like "Sec. Gonzalez regrets being a spinmeister; promises to tell the truth from now on."

Pramis? :)

Spam, you like?

I make it a point to read email subject matters before I delete the contents of spam folders. (And it's not because I don't have a life) For one, legit emails sometimes do get shunted to spam bins by servers. (I did email you that report, honest) For another, they have entertainment value. Um, for me, anyways.

For instance, were it not for spam I would not have found out that there are more names for the reproductive organs than I cared to know. Last time I checked, the male organ had about ten aliases; way more than the names they gave to the female organ. (Why am I not surprised?) On the other hand though (and this might just be a case of cosmic justice) my male colleagues complained of getting inundated by emails that suggested that hydraulic operations needed to be done on their systems.

Spammers often pick on the celebrities of the moment. At some point, Britney Spears reigned supreme. And then Brangelina. And now it's Paris Hilton.

Sometimes the subject matters form coherent thoughts. Like the ones that say Paris Hilton wants to do something unprintable with you. (She what?!) At other times they seem like an application/program was used to randomly string words together.

But this subject sure made me smile: "SpongeBob in paternity suit filed by Paris Hilton"

Way to go, SpongeBob!

Hmm, I wonder what Patrick and Squidward had to say about that?

Details in the Fabric - Jason Mraz

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken heart then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

Loving the giant squids

I bet you've seen that "Boom De Ah Da" advert in Discovery Channel. It's cool no? I like it; so much that I tear up and smile this really goofy smile every time it comes on.

But why not? The world truly is awesome. And sometimes it does take an ad and a song reworked as a jingle to remind us of that fact.

The bit I particularly relate to concerns giant squids and having strong feelings about them.

Giant squids are something else. They're humongous; there's no mistaking when you see one. They're not just in your face; they can literally get all over you. They reside so deep underneath the oceans and are so elusive that no giant squid has ever been caught alive. They're not cuddly material. They're cantankerous; compared to them Oscar the Grouch is probably Ms. Congeniality. Chances are you'll get snapped up when you so much as approach a giant squid. Or when they're feeling sociable, they might opt to squeeze you to a pulp.

But that's beside the point, one loves them anyway.

Boom de ah da!

Whenever I Say Your Name - Sting & Mary J Blige

Whenever I say your name, whenever I call to mind your face
Whatever bread's in my mouth, whatever the sweetest wine that I taste
Whenever your memory feeds my soul, whatever got broken becomes whole
Whenever I'm filled with doubts that we will be together

Wherever I lay me down, wherever I put my head to sleep
Whenever I hurt and cry, whenever I got to lie awake and weep
Whenever I kneel to pray, whenever I need to find a way
I'm calling out your name

Whenever those dark clouds hide the moon
Whenever this world has gotten so strange
I know that something's gonna change
Something's gonna change

Whenever I say your name, Whenever I say your name, I'm already praying, I'm already praying
I'm already filled with a joy that I can't explain
Wherever I lay me down, wherever I rest my weary head to sleep
Whenever I hurt and cry, whenever I got to lie awake and weep
Whenever I'm on the floor
Whatever it was that I believed before
Whenever I say your name, whenever I say it loud, I'm already praying

Whenever this world has got me down, whenever I shed a tear
Whenever the TV makes me mad, whenever I'm paralyzed with fear
Whenever those dark clouds fill the sky, whenever I lose the reason why
Whenever I'm filled with doubts that we will be together

Whenever the sun refuse to shine, whenever the skies are pouring rain
Whatever I lost I thought was mine whenever I close my eyes in pain
Whenever I kneel to pray, whenever I need to find a way
I'm calling out your name

Whenever this dark begins to fall
Whenever I'm vulnerable and small
Whenever I feel like I could die
Whenever I'm holding back the tears that I cry

Whenever I say your name, whenever I call to mind your face
I'm already praying
Whatever bread's in my mouth, whatever the sweetest wine that I taste
Wherever I lay me down, wherever I rest my weary head to sleep
Whenever I hurt and cry, whenever I'm forced to lie awake and have to weep
Whenever I'm on the floor
Whatever it was that I believed before
Whenever I say your name, whenever I say it loud, I'm already praying

Whenever I say your name,
No matter how long it takes,
One day we'll be together

Whenever I say your name,
Let there be no mistake
That day will last forever

And I write 40...

So, dispensing with the mass letter to friends ritual (last year was like casting a rose petal down a deep, dark well and straining to hear a sound), I will instead regale you with accounts of how the day was marked. And yes, this piece is unabashedly all about me (evil, maniacal laughter here)

1. Blowing out a bazillion candles on zee birthday cake in one (rhinitic) breath. How my workmates managed to arrange A LOT of candles on a tiny cake is beyond me. But I did recoil and protest when I noticed that aside from 40 individual candles, they stuck numeric candles as well. "40 candles plus these numeric 40... hey wait a minute, that comes out as 80!" I was pacified when they assured me that the whole point was that I'd have 40 more years. I figured I shouldn't complain, 80 is about eight years more than the average life years of women in the Philippines. And my ability to blow out so many candles despite the day's rhinitic attack, I ascribe to diving and strong lungs -- have you tried manually inflating your BCD underwater by blowing on the inflator only to find that the whole thing leaks? That exercise can sure work out puny lungs. My diving buddies were around for the birthday dive. Sweet :)

2. "40 is the new 30" -- I have no idea what this means. I suspect if and when I hit 50, somebody would quip "50 is the new 40!" I promise I'll glare at him/her with the heat of a thousand suns 10 years hence.

3. At the videoke bash, the songs my friends and age-bracket (give or take 10 years) mates could relate to (as in: sing along with gusto and with all emotion, punctuated by frequent gulping down of beers) were about broken vows, heartache, lost loves, yearning and how it's hard to stay faithful. But we were considerably buouyed up by Cherry's mantra "life is perfect!" (let us recite in unison; all together now...) and the promise that only the nice photos would be put up on Friendster.

4. Evolving musical preferences. Of course I still like to hear pieces by Queen, REM, Sting, Sixpence None the Richer. But they do sound better when played by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. (sheepish look here)

5. My birthday wishes: a) that the ARMM Regional Legislative Assembly (RLA) would pass a regional and more progressive version of the Code of Muslim Personal Laws (CMPL) -- one that promotes gender justice and culturally appropriate conflict resolution; b) that ARMM would have its own Gender and Development (GAD) Code; and c) that the GRP-CPP-NPA-NDF would resume the peace talks soon and pursue it as a viable strategy for ending conflict and transforming Philippine society. Pretty much world peace material no?

6. By the way, it's confirmed: I haven't evolved very much. I'm still the selfish, arrogant, and weak bastard I was years ago. The point is, I'm not throwing in the towel; I'm still trying to evolve. And I sure can use -- and would appreciate -- your help.

7. And my sensei reminded me that I'm already marking the first few days of my 41st year. Check it out yourself: your first birthday marked the first anniversary of your birth (kaya nga birthday e) but the day after that, you were already on day one of your second year. (did I hear bubbles bursting?). So that's why birthdays are celebratory, we're actually being thankful for a year's worth of living. The quality of which, we all know, is largely up to us, but with huge contributions from those around us.

8. Thank you for my 40... I wasn't at my best this year... and I caused a lot of pain... and I'm terribly sorry. I aim to be better now that I'm treading 41. (very sorrowful smile here)

ghost -- indigo girls

there's a letter on the desktop
that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to
in our adolescent war
and i start to feel the fever
from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons
shadowing my dreams

and the mississippi's mighty
but it starts in minnesota
at a place that you could walk across
with five steps down
and i guess that's how you started
like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me
and i start to drown

and there's not enough room
in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost
and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits
i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost
i'm in love with your ghost

dark and dangerous like a secret
that gets whispered in a hush
(don't tell a soul)
when i wake the things i dreamt about you
last night make me blush
(don't tell a soul)
and you kiss me like a lover
then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river
play your memory like a piper

and i feel it like a sickness
how this love is killing me
i'd walk into the fingers
of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity
i've never been this close
i'm in love with your ghost

unknowing captor
you never know how much you
pierce my spirit
but i can't touch you
can you hear it
a cry to be free
oh i'm forever under lock and key
as you pass through me

now i see your face before me
i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island
as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence
and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like achilles
with you always at my heels

this bitter pill i swallow
is the silence that i keep
it poisons me i can't swim free
the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch
i am no worse than most
in love with your ghost

you are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)

Listen, you

"... The remedy is the experience.
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that it's serious
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won't worry my life away
I won't worry my life away

When I fall in love I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind
You can turn off the sun but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why

Because

The remedy is the experience..."

Jason Mraz (The Remedy)

Ani bagong araw

Di mo naman puwedeng isauli ang pagmamahal.... may mga bagay na nandiyan at nandiyan pa rin... bahagi ng mundo... at may sariling kapangyarihan at kaganapan...

The answer to the question "How?"...

... is a resounding "Yes!"

Trippin' while I'm aroadin' 1

Found myself in a surplus shop in downtown CDO that yup, had everything including the kitchen sink (I was scouting for a cheap dive suit. "In CDO?" you ask incredulously. Never mind). Spotted a copy of "Postcards from the Edge" begging to be liberated from there at Php20.

And over dinner, between figuring out what time to hit the road again (have you ever stopped to wonder what if the road hits you back?) and rationalizing that pine guava juice has enough roughage in them to counteract the effects of spare ribs, these lines leapt out at me: "Most of the people in here share the desire to seem cool. They can be aching from heroin withdrawal, but ask how they are and they'll say 'Pretty good, man. Hangin' in there.' The answer comes too quickly, and hovering over a grin, a look of desperate loneliness gazes over the abyss. The only thing worse than being hurt is everyone knowing that you're hurt."

Earlier, taking in the sights, smells and sounds of people at the public market, my brain kept repeating "at what point did you cease to care?"

How do you answer a question you don't yet understand?

The Air We Breathe

Happiness. Pleasure. Sorrow. Love
And Anger changes everything

And Anger changes nothing

Words

Loose ends
Lose ends
End. Lose
Sole. End
Sole end

Soleitude
Soulitude

Soul etude

Rumbled the sad Japanese...

"Yes, as you can prainry see... I am extremery tarented at roving her the wrong way..."

Choices, choices...

Right than happy
Happy than right
Right or happy
Right and happy
Rappy
Hight

Rightfully happy
Happily right

Late night (conversation) with Leno

The big Cs as far as Dodong Leno is concerned are:

commitment
contentment
communication

Do I hear a voice piping up and saying "correct!"?

You're Still You -- Josh Groban

Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you

You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you

Words to leave by

Sometimes when you go

you're making room into which others can grow
you create opportunities for upward movement
you're proof that another life is possible

Sometimes when you go

you're making room
you create opportunities
you prove the possibility of another life

for you

A deshi's reply to her sensei (um, paraphrasing the TSOM soundtrack)

"Feeling at once, using the unlikeliest of metaphors, like a moonbeam that can't be held, a wave that can't be kept on sand, and a cloud that can't be pinned down.

Indeed, how does one solve a problem like Maglana?"

My dyslexic self

On the one hand, one could easily conclude that it's just dyslexia because most times I type out conflict resolution it comes out conflict RESOULUTION... On the other hand, I might be pointedly telling me something... If only I'd hurry up and get it.

On love, In sadness

The lines of "Pictures of You" are looped in my head. Once again, lethally, with feelings.

Under repair; site not available

Some days I think there ought to be a sign over my head that says in bold letters and bright lights "Under repair; site not available. Apologies for the inconvenience."

Types of electoral victory

I learned something new today while conversing with Dr. Barra who ran for Congress in the last election. Meron palang iba't-ibang klaseng electoral victory. Salamat sa mas sophisticated at institutionalized na pandaraya sa political system ng Pilipinas:

Nanalo siya sa botohan.
Nanalo rin siya sa bilangan.
Pero natalo siya sa canvassing.

Kaya ang Pinoy may kakayahang matawa habang nanggagalaiti.

Spring cleaning in December

I spent the last three days pushing and hauling paper. Literally. The documents on my desk had piled up to the point that I had taken to holding office in the library. There just wasn't space enough for the notebook and my elbows on my desk. And yes, there were books and binders on the shelves and on top of cabinets. And on the floor.

I wanted to deal with the clutter before the year ends. My officemates wryly opined that it's primarily to make room for new and more clutter in 2008 (at least it'll be new clutter, I shot back).

So I now have two reams of paper that are labeled "scratch/used" and a foot-high stack that had been sorted and categorized and will be turned over to clutter somebody else's desk.(To the bewildered look of people who found mounds of paper on their desk, I soothingly said "It's the law of the universe, matter can not be created nor destroyed. It can only be redistributed")

My desk is clean (sort of). I can actually see wood now where it was just the white of paper showing. But I'm still at the library.

The view here is better (And the table is bigger! Other people ask for more space; I only ask for more tabletop on which to spread my stuff). I keep casting longing looks at Samal and the mountains of Compostela Valley and Davao Oriental.

It's the last working day of the year and I obviously don't want to work. I want to be away.

I want to board a bus, any bus and get off at the furthest destination, only to board another and head off somewhere else. I want to leave the cellphones behind and be out of touch. There's nothing like a hurtling bus to experience the momentariness of being "here." At most one can only give a nod to a "here" before it becomes a "there." Everything is too flitting to form an attachment to; and one keeps moving on; eyes peeled for what's next without being too anxious about getting to a "there." If you trust movement, you know you'll get there, wherever and whatever it might be.

My life is due for some spring cleaning. Um, it can be argued that my idiom is off. After all, I'm in a land where there are only two seasons (wet and wetter, or dry and drier, depending on whether it's el nino or la nina) and spring isn't one of them.

I digress. The point is I want to unclutter. So I can be away.

Where is Diane?

Jonah is used to that query. Edgar got asked "Is Diane there?" via text while he was having a meeting with DILG-ARMM inside the conference room. And once most of my officemates had to wearily look up from their work and search their desks because I was making a bigger nuisance of myself than usual -- you guessed right, desperately looking for Diane.

Diane is my Diane Lane mug. Having my morning cup of coffee (it literally lasts me till lunchtime) in that mug is the closest I can get to having coffee with Diane. So whenever, I'm at the office, it's part of my morning ritual (aside from clearing the tabletop of debris).

So why do I have to keep looking for Diane? a) because it sounds work-related, as if I'm looking for a workmate to ask her about workstuff, naks, as opposed to just fixing a cup of coffee; b) because I tend to be forgetful (very short short-term memory); c) because Jonah has all these special hiding places and I haven't figured out all of them; d) because it sounds like Black-Eyed Peas's "Where is the love?" (which also sounds like "Where is dalag?" but I digress) and it's symbolic of my lifelong search for... well, most anything; d) ol op da abab.

Anyways, this morning I had to go searching for her again. I checked out Jonah's hiding places a few times and so did she. Not until after I had done an office-wide search did we find her. In the special hiding place, where she's usually kept, and which Jonah and I had checked not a few times minutes before.

I'm tempted to say that the morning's event goes to prove that what you're looking for could be right under your very nose. But then it's also plausible to say that sometimes, it's the search and the journey that make discovery more special.

My final anyways, Diane's here and we're happily having coffee (or at least I am). :)

Byaheng Upi

Hindi talaga maiiwasan, sa masalimuot nating panahon at sitwasyon, daratal at daratal ang pagkalito at panghihina ng kalooban -- talaga nga bang may magagawa pa para mabago ang kalagayan ng lokal na pamamahala? Sa dinami-dami na nang mga capacity building activities (training at workshop kaliwa't kanan, coaching dito, study tour doon), may mga nababago nga ba na makakapagbigay-buti sa kalagayan ng mamamayan at makakabalanse sa mga kapalpakan ng sentral na pamahalaan?

Kapag dinadalaw ako ng ganitong mga tanong, naiisip kong dumalaw sa Upi. Di bale nang inaabot nang anim na oras ang biyahe at bugbog-sarado ang katawan dahil sa malubak na daan. Kasi sa Upi, tuloy-tuloy ang pagbabago. At hindi lang sa isa or dalawang tao nakasalalay ang pagbabago. Dama ng maraming taga-Upi (mapa-Teduray man, Kristyanong dayo o Muslim na Maguindanao) na may taya at papel sila sa pagpapabuti ng kanilang bayan.

Bago lang, pormal nilang inilusad ang kanilang ecological solid waste management (ESWM) program. Pinaniguro ni Mayor Piang na dadalo ang mga kapitan ng 23 barangays ng Upi at mga representante ng mga ahensya. Dumating din ang mga civil society organizations, mga relihiyoso (pari, pastor at mga ulama), mga tradisyonal na pinuno o elders, mga pulis at militar, at may kinatawan din ang probinsya. Hiniling ni Mayor na pormal na ipahayag ng bawat isa ang kanilang suporta sa implementasyon ng ESWM. Nilinaw din niya na hindi lamang kalat sa poblasyon ang pinag-uusapan kundi maging ang agricultural wastes.

Mahusay namang ipinaliwanag ng pangulo ng Upi People's Council ang implikasyon ng basura sa mga mamamayan. Magaling ang mga piniling halimbawa ni Engr. Deano. Sa huli, inulit niya na sakaling may mga mahuling lumalabag sa ordinansya ng ESWM, ipapatawag ang kapitan ng kanilang barangay at ipapaalala sa kanila ang kanilang ipinangakong suporta.

Sa kuwentuhan namin ni Fr. Ponpon, binanggit niya na mahalagang pumili ng mga epektibong pamamaraan ng edukasyon upang lubusang maintindihan ng mga mamayan ang ESWM at suportahan ito sa konkretong mga paraan. Magugulat kayo at ang munting parokyang ito ay may primera klaseng kagamitan audio-visual at may kakayahang gumawa ng mga mahuhusay na produksyon -- walang binatbat ang gawa ng MTV.

Sa iba't-ibang paraan, pinapanindigan ng mga taga-Upi ang kanilang panawagan na siya rin nilang adhikain -- "Layang Upi! Layang!" (Soar Upi! Soar!) Sa isang banda, maaaring sabihin na isinasabuhay lang ng mga taga-Upi ang diwa ng lokal na pamamahala o local governance.

Kapag kausap ko ang mga taga-Upi nananariwa sa akin ang mga sagot sa katanungang pana-panahong pinoproblema ng mga kumikilos para sa pagbabago (na malapit nang maging aburido): "Bakit nga ba natin ginagawa ito?!"

Sa ganang akin, simple lang. Habang may mga kagaya ng mga taga-Upi na gustong lumawig, kailangang gawin natin ang ating mga gawain. Nang mahusay. Nang may puso.

Mindaknow

Is conjunctural analysis. Is to know Mindanao. Now.

Critical things

critical mask
critical musk
critical math
critical mast
critical musts
towards critical mass