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Whenever I Say Your Name - Sting & Mary J Blige

Whenever I say your name, whenever I call to mind your face
Whatever bread's in my mouth, whatever the sweetest wine that I taste
Whenever your memory feeds my soul, whatever got broken becomes whole
Whenever I'm filled with doubts that we will be together

Wherever I lay me down, wherever I put my head to sleep
Whenever I hurt and cry, whenever I got to lie awake and weep
Whenever I kneel to pray, whenever I need to find a way
I'm calling out your name

Whenever those dark clouds hide the moon
Whenever this world has gotten so strange
I know that something's gonna change
Something's gonna change

Whenever I say your name, Whenever I say your name, I'm already praying, I'm already praying
I'm already filled with a joy that I can't explain
Wherever I lay me down, wherever I rest my weary head to sleep
Whenever I hurt and cry, whenever I got to lie awake and weep
Whenever I'm on the floor
Whatever it was that I believed before
Whenever I say your name, whenever I say it loud, I'm already praying

Whenever this world has got me down, whenever I shed a tear
Whenever the TV makes me mad, whenever I'm paralyzed with fear
Whenever those dark clouds fill the sky, whenever I lose the reason why
Whenever I'm filled with doubts that we will be together

Whenever the sun refuse to shine, whenever the skies are pouring rain
Whatever I lost I thought was mine whenever I close my eyes in pain
Whenever I kneel to pray, whenever I need to find a way
I'm calling out your name

Whenever this dark begins to fall
Whenever I'm vulnerable and small
Whenever I feel like I could die
Whenever I'm holding back the tears that I cry

Whenever I say your name, whenever I call to mind your face
I'm already praying
Whatever bread's in my mouth, whatever the sweetest wine that I taste
Wherever I lay me down, wherever I rest my weary head to sleep
Whenever I hurt and cry, whenever I'm forced to lie awake and have to weep
Whenever I'm on the floor
Whatever it was that I believed before
Whenever I say your name, whenever I say it loud, I'm already praying

Whenever I say your name,
No matter how long it takes,
One day we'll be together

Whenever I say your name,
Let there be no mistake
That day will last forever

And I write 40...

So, dispensing with the mass letter to friends ritual (last year was like casting a rose petal down a deep, dark well and straining to hear a sound), I will instead regale you with accounts of how the day was marked. And yes, this piece is unabashedly all about me (evil, maniacal laughter here)

1. Blowing out a bazillion candles on zee birthday cake in one (rhinitic) breath. How my workmates managed to arrange A LOT of candles on a tiny cake is beyond me. But I did recoil and protest when I noticed that aside from 40 individual candles, they stuck numeric candles as well. "40 candles plus these numeric 40... hey wait a minute, that comes out as 80!" I was pacified when they assured me that the whole point was that I'd have 40 more years. I figured I shouldn't complain, 80 is about eight years more than the average life years of women in the Philippines. And my ability to blow out so many candles despite the day's rhinitic attack, I ascribe to diving and strong lungs -- have you tried manually inflating your BCD underwater by blowing on the inflator only to find that the whole thing leaks? That exercise can sure work out puny lungs. My diving buddies were around for the birthday dive. Sweet :)

2. "40 is the new 30" -- I have no idea what this means. I suspect if and when I hit 50, somebody would quip "50 is the new 40!" I promise I'll glare at him/her with the heat of a thousand suns 10 years hence.

3. At the videoke bash, the songs my friends and age-bracket (give or take 10 years) mates could relate to (as in: sing along with gusto and with all emotion, punctuated by frequent gulping down of beers) were about broken vows, heartache, lost loves, yearning and how it's hard to stay faithful. But we were considerably buouyed up by Cherry's mantra "life is perfect!" (let us recite in unison; all together now...) and the promise that only the nice photos would be put up on Friendster.

4. Evolving musical preferences. Of course I still like to hear pieces by Queen, REM, Sting, Sixpence None the Richer. But they do sound better when played by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. (sheepish look here)

5. My birthday wishes: a) that the ARMM Regional Legislative Assembly (RLA) would pass a regional and more progressive version of the Code of Muslim Personal Laws (CMPL) -- one that promotes gender justice and culturally appropriate conflict resolution; b) that ARMM would have its own Gender and Development (GAD) Code; and c) that the GRP-CPP-NPA-NDF would resume the peace talks soon and pursue it as a viable strategy for ending conflict and transforming Philippine society. Pretty much world peace material no?

6. By the way, it's confirmed: I haven't evolved very much. I'm still the selfish, arrogant, and weak bastard I was years ago. The point is, I'm not throwing in the towel; I'm still trying to evolve. And I sure can use -- and would appreciate -- your help.

7. And my sensei reminded me that I'm already marking the first few days of my 41st year. Check it out yourself: your first birthday marked the first anniversary of your birth (kaya nga birthday e) but the day after that, you were already on day one of your second year. (did I hear bubbles bursting?). So that's why birthdays are celebratory, we're actually being thankful for a year's worth of living. The quality of which, we all know, is largely up to us, but with huge contributions from those around us.

8. Thank you for my 40... I wasn't at my best this year... and I caused a lot of pain... and I'm terribly sorry. I aim to be better now that I'm treading 41. (very sorrowful smile here)

ghost -- indigo girls

there's a letter on the desktop
that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to
in our adolescent war
and i start to feel the fever
from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons
shadowing my dreams

and the mississippi's mighty
but it starts in minnesota
at a place that you could walk across
with five steps down
and i guess that's how you started
like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me
and i start to drown

and there's not enough room
in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost
and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits
i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost
i'm in love with your ghost

dark and dangerous like a secret
that gets whispered in a hush
(don't tell a soul)
when i wake the things i dreamt about you
last night make me blush
(don't tell a soul)
and you kiss me like a lover
then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river
play your memory like a piper

and i feel it like a sickness
how this love is killing me
i'd walk into the fingers
of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity
i've never been this close
i'm in love with your ghost

unknowing captor
you never know how much you
pierce my spirit
but i can't touch you
can you hear it
a cry to be free
oh i'm forever under lock and key
as you pass through me

now i see your face before me
i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island
as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence
and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like achilles
with you always at my heels

this bitter pill i swallow
is the silence that i keep
it poisons me i can't swim free
the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch
i am no worse than most
in love with your ghost

you are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)

Listen, you

"... The remedy is the experience.
This is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that it's serious
This is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend
The rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends
When it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won't worry my life away
I won't worry my life away

When I fall in love I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind
You can turn off the sun but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why

Because

The remedy is the experience..."

Jason Mraz (The Remedy)

Ani bagong araw

Di mo naman puwedeng isauli ang pagmamahal.... may mga bagay na nandiyan at nandiyan pa rin... bahagi ng mundo... at may sariling kapangyarihan at kaganapan...

The answer to the question "How?"...

... is a resounding "Yes!"

Trippin' while I'm aroadin' 1

Found myself in a surplus shop in downtown CDO that yup, had everything including the kitchen sink (I was scouting for a cheap dive suit. "In CDO?" you ask incredulously. Never mind). Spotted a copy of "Postcards from the Edge" begging to be liberated from there at Php20.

And over dinner, between figuring out what time to hit the road again (have you ever stopped to wonder what if the road hits you back?) and rationalizing that pine guava juice has enough roughage in them to counteract the effects of spare ribs, these lines leapt out at me: "Most of the people in here share the desire to seem cool. They can be aching from heroin withdrawal, but ask how they are and they'll say 'Pretty good, man. Hangin' in there.' The answer comes too quickly, and hovering over a grin, a look of desperate loneliness gazes over the abyss. The only thing worse than being hurt is everyone knowing that you're hurt."

Earlier, taking in the sights, smells and sounds of people at the public market, my brain kept repeating "at what point did you cease to care?"

How do you answer a question you don't yet understand?

The Air We Breathe

Happiness. Pleasure. Sorrow. Love
And Anger changes everything

And Anger changes nothing

Words

Loose ends
Lose ends
End. Lose
Sole. End
Sole end

Soleitude
Soulitude

Soul etude

Rumbled the sad Japanese...

"Yes, as you can prainry see... I am extremery tarented at roving her the wrong way..."

Choices, choices...

Right than happy
Happy than right
Right or happy
Right and happy
Rappy
Hight

Rightfully happy
Happily right

Late night (conversation) with Leno

The big Cs as far as Dodong Leno is concerned are:

commitment
contentment
communication

Do I hear a voice piping up and saying "correct!"?

You're Still You -- Josh Groban

Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you

You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you

Words to leave by

Sometimes when you go

you're making room into which others can grow
you create opportunities for upward movement
you're proof that another life is possible

Sometimes when you go

you're making room
you create opportunities
you prove the possibility of another life

for you

A deshi's reply to her sensei (um, paraphrasing the TSOM soundtrack)

"Feeling at once, using the unlikeliest of metaphors, like a moonbeam that can't be held, a wave that can't be kept on sand, and a cloud that can't be pinned down.

Indeed, how does one solve a problem like Maglana?"

My dyslexic self

On the one hand, one could easily conclude that it's just dyslexia because most times I type out conflict resolution it comes out conflict RESOULUTION... On the other hand, I might be pointedly telling me something... If only I'd hurry up and get it.

On love, In sadness

The lines of "Pictures of You" are looped in my head. Once again, lethally, with feelings.

Under repair; site not available

Some days I think there ought to be a sign over my head that says in bold letters and bright lights "Under repair; site not available. Apologies for the inconvenience."

Types of electoral victory

I learned something new today while conversing with Dr. Barra who ran for Congress in the last election. Meron palang iba't-ibang klaseng electoral victory. Salamat sa mas sophisticated at institutionalized na pandaraya sa political system ng Pilipinas:

Nanalo siya sa botohan.
Nanalo rin siya sa bilangan.
Pero natalo siya sa canvassing.

Kaya ang Pinoy may kakayahang matawa habang nanggagalaiti.

Spring cleaning in December

I spent the last three days pushing and hauling paper. Literally. The documents on my desk had piled up to the point that I had taken to holding office in the library. There just wasn't space enough for the notebook and my elbows on my desk. And yes, there were books and binders on the shelves and on top of cabinets. And on the floor.

I wanted to deal with the clutter before the year ends. My officemates wryly opined that it's primarily to make room for new and more clutter in 2008 (at least it'll be new clutter, I shot back).

So I now have two reams of paper that are labeled "scratch/used" and a foot-high stack that had been sorted and categorized and will be turned over to clutter somebody else's desk.(To the bewildered look of people who found mounds of paper on their desk, I soothingly said "It's the law of the universe, matter can not be created nor destroyed. It can only be redistributed")

My desk is clean (sort of). I can actually see wood now where it was just the white of paper showing. But I'm still at the library.

The view here is better (And the table is bigger! Other people ask for more space; I only ask for more tabletop on which to spread my stuff). I keep casting longing looks at Samal and the mountains of Compostela Valley and Davao Oriental.

It's the last working day of the year and I obviously don't want to work. I want to be away.

I want to board a bus, any bus and get off at the furthest destination, only to board another and head off somewhere else. I want to leave the cellphones behind and be out of touch. There's nothing like a hurtling bus to experience the momentariness of being "here." At most one can only give a nod to a "here" before it becomes a "there." Everything is too flitting to form an attachment to; and one keeps moving on; eyes peeled for what's next without being too anxious about getting to a "there." If you trust movement, you know you'll get there, wherever and whatever it might be.

My life is due for some spring cleaning. Um, it can be argued that my idiom is off. After all, I'm in a land where there are only two seasons (wet and wetter, or dry and drier, depending on whether it's el nino or la nina) and spring isn't one of them.

I digress. The point is I want to unclutter. So I can be away.

Where is Diane?

Jonah is used to that query. Edgar got asked "Is Diane there?" via text while he was having a meeting with DILG-ARMM inside the conference room. And once most of my officemates had to wearily look up from their work and search their desks because I was making a bigger nuisance of myself than usual -- you guessed right, desperately looking for Diane.

Diane is my Diane Lane mug. Having my morning cup of coffee (it literally lasts me till lunchtime) in that mug is the closest I can get to having coffee with Diane. So whenever, I'm at the office, it's part of my morning ritual (aside from clearing the tabletop of debris).

So why do I have to keep looking for Diane? a) because it sounds work-related, as if I'm looking for a workmate to ask her about workstuff, naks, as opposed to just fixing a cup of coffee; b) because I tend to be forgetful (very short short-term memory); c) because Jonah has all these special hiding places and I haven't figured out all of them; d) because it sounds like Black-Eyed Peas's "Where is the love?" (which also sounds like "Where is dalag?" but I digress) and it's symbolic of my lifelong search for... well, most anything; d) ol op da abab.

Anyways, this morning I had to go searching for her again. I checked out Jonah's hiding places a few times and so did she. Not until after I had done an office-wide search did we find her. In the special hiding place, where she's usually kept, and which Jonah and I had checked not a few times minutes before.

I'm tempted to say that the morning's event goes to prove that what you're looking for could be right under your very nose. But then it's also plausible to say that sometimes, it's the search and the journey that make discovery more special.

My final anyways, Diane's here and we're happily having coffee (or at least I am). :)

Byaheng Upi

Hindi talaga maiiwasan, sa masalimuot nating panahon at sitwasyon, daratal at daratal ang pagkalito at panghihina ng kalooban -- talaga nga bang may magagawa pa para mabago ang kalagayan ng lokal na pamamahala? Sa dinami-dami na nang mga capacity building activities (training at workshop kaliwa't kanan, coaching dito, study tour doon), may mga nababago nga ba na makakapagbigay-buti sa kalagayan ng mamamayan at makakabalanse sa mga kapalpakan ng sentral na pamahalaan?

Kapag dinadalaw ako ng ganitong mga tanong, naiisip kong dumalaw sa Upi. Di bale nang inaabot nang anim na oras ang biyahe at bugbog-sarado ang katawan dahil sa malubak na daan. Kasi sa Upi, tuloy-tuloy ang pagbabago. At hindi lang sa isa or dalawang tao nakasalalay ang pagbabago. Dama ng maraming taga-Upi (mapa-Teduray man, Kristyanong dayo o Muslim na Maguindanao) na may taya at papel sila sa pagpapabuti ng kanilang bayan.

Bago lang, pormal nilang inilusad ang kanilang ecological solid waste management (ESWM) program. Pinaniguro ni Mayor Piang na dadalo ang mga kapitan ng 23 barangays ng Upi at mga representante ng mga ahensya. Dumating din ang mga civil society organizations, mga relihiyoso (pari, pastor at mga ulama), mga tradisyonal na pinuno o elders, mga pulis at militar, at may kinatawan din ang probinsya. Hiniling ni Mayor na pormal na ipahayag ng bawat isa ang kanilang suporta sa implementasyon ng ESWM. Nilinaw din niya na hindi lamang kalat sa poblasyon ang pinag-uusapan kundi maging ang agricultural wastes.

Mahusay namang ipinaliwanag ng pangulo ng Upi People's Council ang implikasyon ng basura sa mga mamamayan. Magaling ang mga piniling halimbawa ni Engr. Deano. Sa huli, inulit niya na sakaling may mga mahuling lumalabag sa ordinansya ng ESWM, ipapatawag ang kapitan ng kanilang barangay at ipapaalala sa kanila ang kanilang ipinangakong suporta.

Sa kuwentuhan namin ni Fr. Ponpon, binanggit niya na mahalagang pumili ng mga epektibong pamamaraan ng edukasyon upang lubusang maintindihan ng mga mamayan ang ESWM at suportahan ito sa konkretong mga paraan. Magugulat kayo at ang munting parokyang ito ay may primera klaseng kagamitan audio-visual at may kakayahang gumawa ng mga mahuhusay na produksyon -- walang binatbat ang gawa ng MTV.

Sa iba't-ibang paraan, pinapanindigan ng mga taga-Upi ang kanilang panawagan na siya rin nilang adhikain -- "Layang Upi! Layang!" (Soar Upi! Soar!) Sa isang banda, maaaring sabihin na isinasabuhay lang ng mga taga-Upi ang diwa ng lokal na pamamahala o local governance.

Kapag kausap ko ang mga taga-Upi nananariwa sa akin ang mga sagot sa katanungang pana-panahong pinoproblema ng mga kumikilos para sa pagbabago (na malapit nang maging aburido): "Bakit nga ba natin ginagawa ito?!"

Sa ganang akin, simple lang. Habang may mga kagaya ng mga taga-Upi na gustong lumawig, kailangang gawin natin ang ating mga gawain. Nang mahusay. Nang may puso.

Mindaknow

Is conjunctural analysis. Is to know Mindanao. Now.

Critical things

critical mask
critical musk
critical math
critical mast
critical musts
towards critical mass

Ani John Waite

"... I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile..."

pero malungkot...

Comfort in Your Strangeness -- Cynthia Alexander

Woke up this morning
I was staring at the ceiling cracks
And roadmaps and highways and landscapes
I have seen
I have been
To places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness

Of moving shadows when I call the wind by name
Rushing firewater in the dark of a cloud
I have seen
I have been
To places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness

We are slaves to the crimes we commit
In fits of passion
We shame
We are nothing we are nothing we are nothing we are nothing
But the dust on your feet

Dying to be born again
Singing ether water fire
Singing earth singing air
I have seen
I have been
To places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness

I have seen
I have been
to places far and deep in my mind
Only to find
Comfort in your strangeness

How much girl?

At the hotel front desk this morning, waiting for check-out procedures to be completed, I heard a gaggle of voices behind me, mostly male and speaking in Niponggo. I paid no mind. The hotel hosts many foreign guests, many of them divers (proof: t-shirts advertising dive-this-and-dive-that-site, dive computers, and mask-squeezed faces. kidding about the last)

But what did make my ears prick up was a small voice that piped up "How much girl?" I turned around and the querient was a Filipino. A petite Filipina to be precise, in shorts. She only came up to the chest level of the three men who surrounded her and was consequently looking up at them expectantly. "How much girl?" repeated one of the men and then engaged the other two in their language. Whatever vagueness there was that surrounded the question the first time it was uttered was dispelled by his subsequent reply to her "five thousand; no, six thousand."

At this point I had to run for the shuttle and couldn't rightly tell how the transaction was concluded. A half-hopeful voice inside me argued "who knows it might have been a totally different business altogether that they were negotiating." I wish I could believe that but there were just far too many signs that the collatilla of an economy riding on the unsavory face of globalization remain unchecked. When I arrived a few days back, there was a wedding celebration at the hotel. A young Filipina being married to a man who was, well you know the cliche, old enough to have been her father. And at breakfast, it was not uncommon to see Filipinas, haggard and wearing skimpy clothing, hanging on to the arms of foreign men. I swear the men looked like they were strutting.

I think it jarred me in particular that I heard the question from the Filipina, Would it have made a difference had I heard one of the men say it first? I don't know. Maybe. But to hear a fellow citizen negotiating away for another was just too unsettling. And to know that it adds up to short-term economic respite and long-term dependence.

Ah, but who am I to be contemptuous? After all, the leadership in this country does not flinch when it asks politicians "how much political loyalty?" before giving them cash gifts and when it asks the United States "how much patrimony?" before it signs yet another onerous agreement and receives yet another check.

Two smiles and a sigh on a Saburday night

I listened to the discussion of municipal and barangay officials from Sulu and Tawi-Tawi who had come to study successful coastal resource management initiatives in Cebu. They were arguing over the sharing of income from use of marine protected areas (i.e., snorkelling in Hilutongan), an example of nature-based tourism. Some batted for more share going to barangay LGUs than to the municipal government; others were pushing for more benefits going to peoples' organizations. They also had a lot to say over the roles of barangay, municipal and provincial LGUs. I smiled. Given the impassioned discourse, who would have thought that two months ago, a number of the participants wanted nothing to do with the protection, conservation, rehabilitation, sustainable use and management of their coastal resources?

Reading the news I sighed at the suicide of Mariannet Amper, a 12 year old girl from Davao who took her life out of despair over her family's poverty. She wrote her wishes down (jobs for her parents, a school bag and a bike) but did not send them to the "Wish ko Lang" television program. TV host Vicky Morales said it right, if only government had allocated its budget better, then perhaps there wouldn't be as many people turning to mass media for respite. The fact that poor Filipinos now regard and flock to television programs ("Wowowee"is another example) as if these are government social welfare programs/agencies is a damning indictment of government's deplorable performance in service delivery. And media could also be culpable for encouraging this type of response. There was an article last week laying part of the blame on the seeming Filipino apathy to large scale graft and corruption right on the doorstep of media: by not being rigorous in their analysis, etc. I wonder if the same connection can be made with the TV shows that prey on the economic vulnerability of people. Look at "Wowowee;" it pretends to help people in need and yet it degrades them by forcing them to go through hoops and perform ridiculous antics on camera. In this case, media seems to have shirked from its role of helping the poor understand why there is mass poverty and what needs to be done to address it, now. I think it was a local social realist painter who coined the term "kinaka-wowowee" -- a play at "kinakawawa." The poor have become pawns in the the ratings war among the networks.

Heading back I looked up and saw Orion, Sirius, Procyon, Taurus and Gemini: my star guides. I smiled. Perhaps all is not lost. Perhaps I am not that lost. There might be long stretches of terra incognita and more spaces marked "here there be monsters" within me, but my sky markers remain constant. Tonight I'll go skywalking.

Augh!

Gaah! Extreme LSS attack! "There She Goes" Royal Philharmonic Orchestra version pa. (odiba?)

Ang kulit!!!!

Sino daw si Claude...

I get asked that fairly often by people who view my profile.

Sino nga ba si Claude? High school classmate. Siga in a skirt. Scared the bejeezus out of me. Beautiful person. Inside and out. Fought with cancer. Her radiant spirit won. She went on to other realms earlier this year.

And she continues to be among my teachers.

She teaches me that pain and anger fade in the presence of joy and laughter. And she reminds me not to lose sight of the larger picture, be it the one inside or outside.

And to this day, she is proof that love is possible despite distance.